A Thief... A Witch... and A Change

I guess he wasn’t really a thief but had definite thief potential. The witch well I’m pretty sure she WAS a Wiccan and her long stringy gray hair only begged the question “Where is your broom?” As for the Change….Well its been a long time coming….

These two stories are from my beloved passengers onboard this week.

I guess I’ll start with the potential thief whom I will name Larry. Larry comes on board the airplane in khaki shorts a t-shirt from some tropical beach bar and a almost bald head. He obviously flies WAY more than I do and feels that he should control everything going on in the airplane. Larry is the guy who walks on board the airplane and runs right for the aisle seat on the last row on the airplane.

Now let me break my story to insert a tip here:

If you are on an airplane and think the “best seat” in the house is in the last row…YOU ARE WRONG. It is most likely the WORST seat you could pick (if you get to choose.) First they ARE smaller (especially the inboard seat near the wing). Second the are near the galleys. Think what happens in the galley - it’s the crews office so lights are on and the crew will be making noise there. If you are on the last row and REALLY bug us, we may just slam galley doors a little more often and harder just to make you realize you aren’t the “Smartest Person” on the aircraft for snatching up the last row! Lastly - if the plane goes pretty much half full …we LOVE having the last row of seats to ourselves! Believe it or not the jump seat isn’t comfortable and our office is very small. If we have time we take breaks on the last row of seats so if there is any way possible we like to claim that as an extension of our working space! In summary…. If you are choosing where you get to sit - Unless it’s the LAST aisle or window seat on the airplane - Please choose another seat! Give us the dignity to sit in a real seat to eat our dinner - instead of eating right outside the bathroom while some lame guy hits on us!

Back to Larry. Larry feels that after our chief flight attendants announces for everyone to be seated we are preparing for push back he can still stand and get in the overhead bin. Of course he can, because all of our announcements EXCLUDE Larry. After I give Larry a mean look he acts as if he is unfazed and continues to flop around the aisle and finally SLOWLY take his seat. Then of course Larry keeps looking back in my galley like he is really checking up on me. Then he brings out his phone only after 3 announcements to turn them off. By now its assured I HATE LARRY. This man for some reason is really getting under my skin. Seriously at this point I can totally spot that this guy will be a complete pain and I just want to try to ignore this man and move on with my life.

Across from Larry is what some of us flight attendants call the space b/w the last row of seats and the bulkhead the “Doghouse.” We usually stow our bags there and sometimes last minute luggage that doesn’t seem to find a home anywhere else. It wasn’t long after take off I stood up and was standing up beside the jump seat looking out into the cabin when I see an arm outreached across the aisle. I quickly peered over the bulkhead only to find LARRY DIGGING IN MY BAG. I loved that I caught him in the act. I said “EXCUSE ME THAT IS NOT YOUR BAG” Of course I said it loud enough where a few people turned to look. He said “I saw something blinking and I wondered what it was” I just said its none of your business and if you feel the need to meddle through other peoples things you can talk to security when we land. I don’t believe he was out to steal - Larry just needs to have complete control over everything around him …even the contents of my bag. Can you believe it? Unzipping and looking through my things!! So no, Larry wasn’t a thief but the first passenger I’ve ever had to feel the need to look through my things.

The Witch - Well she was plum crazy. She had a long black dress and long stringy gray hair. She felt the urge ON TAKE-OFF while we are rolling down the run-way to run to the bathroom and yells some witch stuff at me. Seriously she was totally putting some kind of crazy hex on me because I told her she needed to be in a seat. She rambled some “witches snitches brew” stuff out and said “I”LL SIT ON THE TOILET FOR TAKE OFF DON’T PHONE THE PILOTS.” Of course I yell at her its not safe and she yelled some more voodoo talk and I seriously wanted to make an X with my two fingers crossing in front of me to yield away whatever she felt the urge to send my way. Seriously she scared me. What did I do? Maybe the better question is what did she say to me! I called the pilots and said that a witch was taking off in the lavatory and not to say anything or they will get some crazy curse as well. They were a little confused but I told them to trust me and like any good pilot they did. Crazy Witch lady finally came out and I avoided her the rest of the flight. So I felt totally violated. Larry digging through my bags and a witch casting spells on me.


Wow, am I missing something here? I’m reading a real simple book on the “Law of Attraction” and have been REALLY trying to incorporate it in my life. I hear its sort of like the book "The Secret" but not really sure because I didn't care for that book to much. Its principles are simple Good gets good - Nice gets nice - (a lot of positive thinking) Etc. Maybe the book should have been wrote differently for me. Good gets Jerk going through your bag - Nice gets 1 Witches Hex. Thank GOD I love my job. Otherwise a nearby therapist would never have a spare moment.

That was pretty much the excitement in my last two weeks of flying. A few other potential stories may come out later on but for now the Witch and Larry is what your stuck with.

So in May I have concluded …..

When looking for a pimp… He most likely will not be employed at IHOP.

At any given moment a Ho may ask me for help.. I shall be ready to plan another “Operation Pimp Escape” at any given moment on a flight. Seat belt Checks, Arming doors and planning a ho pimp escape plan - Try that for multi-talented.

Marc Jacobs has created a bag with a flight attendant on it. I NEED THIS.

If I ever see a Witch running for the bathroom on take-off - DO NOT Question it. In fact just let Witches do as they please. I’m not into hex’s, curses or spells.

MAC Cosmetics best product ever (Dazzle Gloss) WAS SEASONAL. After checking 4 different MAC stores in 3 different states I can officially start to grieve the loss of the best lip gloss ever.

Guys like Larry will never go away. Most likely Larry is on my flight everyday. Learn to ignore Mr. Control Freak and HIDE MY BAGS BETTER!

So Ohio isn’t actually “Northern” …. Its “Midwestern”


Last but not least - My new favorite song (of the moment) is “A Change is Gonna Come” because I really feel good things are going to happen to me this summer. I’ll leave you with a few lyrics…

“Life could pass me on, no no
I know I'm able, I'm able, I'm able
I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, good God almighty
A long time coming but I know, yeah
A change is gonna come”